（もう死んでしまおうかと決心したとき、目に映ったのはいつになく凄絶な
美しさを見せて照り耀いている月であった）

＊いやはて： 果ての果て ＊：めづらか：めったにない、美しい

When you get despaired, outside worlds often show you extraordinary
phases, sometimes ugly, sometimes beautiful. This case is the latter.
Tears welled up in my eyes and I cried silently. This somewhat
cleansed my soul and I did not let myself  jump into the madness.
Since childhood I've always felt the lack of solidness or reality about
this world and still I do. Perhaps, this is one of the reasons why I
could never attained a solid relationship with a woman.